He thought better of it ;-)

Knowing that it is suicidal he was walking in to that. Knowing this is going to be the end of one waste but peaceful and serene life he was walking in to that.

It was very easy. Just have to think that whatever may be the case the inevitable will happen. The anticipated said moment have been extended above any wild imaginations. People always define him as 'incomplete'. He used to be defined as a loser just because of the last missing end, the end he could have easily filled, but he did not do that may be because he was overconfident, may be because he was too optimistic, may be because god might have thought, the success may leave him blind. Whatever it was, he used to get out of the game at just one or two run away the century.

But he was such a happy-go-lucky guy. He used to get frustrated thinking that he never took one thing in life seriously, that he could have taken it seriously at least just once... just once.. If he was able to see life seriously once and made a swot analysis, he would not have been standing alone in the path with full of nightmares and the saddest part, only nightmares. There was no light in front of him. Regardless of how hard he tried, there was not even a pinch of anticipation, this was almost impossible to invite any happy thought in his cloudy mind (oh go!! how he could have conjured a patronus spell :P) . He looked behind and with full confidence he was able to say, whatever he is now is because of his thoughtless decision. There was nobody to be blamed. There was no game untried or else he was too afraid to try the unseen game.

He happened to had a gimps of the old moments that somebody had captured in frame long back in those golden moments and just seeing that he couldn't prevent one cry that just died inside him, just on time or else the spectators would have laughed at him thinking, ultimately the iron man had melted. Of course he cannot let people think that he had melted because just for that ego only he had worked too hard.

This is a bizarre moment for him, just one more step and he will be falling ... he will be a free soul in moments.. he was anticipating.. but life cannot be that easy, can it be????

No of course not. If it was that easy, the whole world would have been full of corpses.. the population would not have been exploding like this. Well. .. he was trying to commit suicide in simple terms. He was not a coward, so decided better of it. Ultimately if he could just end it all in one simple moment what is the big deal!!!??? Any body can do it, any sick moron who think that the whole world is torturing him and he is one poor target, can easily blame others by simply cutting the crap. Big deal is whether we decide to go ahead or not. Big deal is how we enrich each moment as we could.

You know they say time flies. They couldn’t have been more correct! One moment he was standing at the peak of the bekal fort ready to fall.. next moment he was sitting in an a/c cabinet writing codes ,even he does not know. With an evil grin , he thought 'miles to go before I sleep'. Well he is a star. :)

Is mein kya rakha hai??

Would you like to come for a last coffee together??!!

Sometimes life will throw us in awkward situations and forced us to act like a fairy.

I did my best.. I acted like everything is normal and I am one of the fool that always look in to life in such a way; 'wow what an enriching life'.
I was trying to make a conversation with my friend, whose last day was that in the company. But I just prepared only, I didnt ask her that question. Bless me. When relationship is concerned, I pity myself. I am such a fool. Some people say emotional fool. Not like that. I some times doubt that I have a terrible ability to make people hate me. Sometimes I may not have to do anything. Its advantageous sometimes and like always not too advantageous also. People cannot sulk for these silly reasons. These are learning curves and I believe that I learned a lot more from all these lessons than any QT books.
Err.. talking about things that even remotely does not relate with anything what I was trying to say is one of my oldest severe problem. That cost me a lot of mark in my exams. Still did not manage to learn from that mistake. What a waste!!!

The point is, office is stinking with paint smell and every two minutes feel like I will puke. Especially on a Sunday when people are sitting in office thinking what will happen when Katherine Solomon meet Robert Langdon in the Library, er.. at least I was thinking that, who prefer to be disturbed. Still I am not completely out of the creepy feeling I developed from the dream yesterday (I was walking barefoot in north pole wearing my churidar).

Working on a Sunday is not a good thing to do; a) due to the age old belief that Sunday is a holiday we will not feel like working. b) There will not too much family less (there may not be a word like that), people for whom not even a sleeping cat will move the little fingers if he/she works on a Sunday and rot. c) Phone calls are at a minimal level due to the reason b. Because of all these reasons and a lot of other reasons that cannot be explained, office is like a graveyard where even the leaves fear to fluter... and always there is creepy silence even with the irritating sound of keyboards. And above all that a heavy feeling is there in mind thinking about the 100+ odd tasks that has to be completed before the end of the day. In short, in contrary to the statement that I always love to make I am forced to make another statement; 'life stinks indeed'.

Aaj Sunday hai??!!

Obviously I am too confused with my life. It shall not be said in present tense. Hum confused the, confused he or confused rahenge.. Koi haal mein tho rahna hai na tho meine socha isse acha haal naheen milega... Koi bhee galathi karo aur bol dena.. i was confused.. I didnt know what I was doing.. then sad smiley dikha dena....

So I am facing it bit difficult to comprehend the strange things happening around me because I am confused. ;-)

Aaj sunday hai aur office mein baitke aisa lagtha hai kee khidki se kood jaoon.. magar kidki khol naheen paya isliye abhee bhee office mein hee hun... Not only that it was heavily raining and even if dead muche bheegna naheen hai..

Ithna hee nahen.. my eyes are puffy and red.. yeh isliye kee zindagi ke complexities ke baare mein sochkar kal teek tarah se so nahen payi.. waise aisa tho har din naheen hotha hai tho I was ok with that, I am not insomniac.

I feel puling the eye balls of my shopping maniac friends for their insensibility to any other activity or happening in the world. Chee I am not blaming and all.. just expressing my helplessnes.. waise kar phee kya sakthe hai na.. I cannot give them lecture on global warning and importance of utilizing resources in a more sensible way.. err.. i cannot be hermionish. waise yesterday i completed reading harry potter and deathly hallows for the 05th time. July hai tho hamein yaad tho karna chahiye na us bandhe ko.

I called my sister and after talking for 17 seconds she told me that she will call back and since it is happening for around 6-7 times for the last couple of weeks, I felt irritated and threw the phone in the cushion. Neeche naheen bhek sakthi, mobile tho mera hai na.. and I decided for the umpteen time that I will not call her again.

And in fact since it is my habit to talk rubbish I will go on if I stick to it.. kaam hai bohath.. kal Monday hai aur kithne gaaliyan dene hai aur sunne he yeh muche phee naheen patha..

Life and the miseries (mystery)

Hey is it fair that humans are provided with too short a life span? The life span provided is not at all enough
to commit the mistake and correct it.

Actually I was having deep thoughts regarding this issue. The initial 2 years from our birth we spent crying and sleeping. The the next two years learning to speak and walk and all those initial stuff. Then we were in a hurry to learn how to count, write and all and that was such a crap and frustrating thing. People keep on pestering us for not learning and doing the home work. So we though that once this school time is over we will be free. I still remember my mom consoling me on the date of my public exam of maths, ' from today you dont have to study maths', I was really happy at that moment. But gradually I learned that till the date you are here maths will not be leaving you. :(

But as hope is the only thing driving us, we still believe that there will be some time where we will be free from all these crap. But at that time we didn't know that what is in store for us in the coming days is hell. And those times were nothing compared to the treat awaiting us for the up coming days. heeeeee

It is really unfair. that we are not given with enough time to commit mistakes and correct it. You know, in life it takes a lot of time to commit mistakes and correct it. Because first we have to understand that we have committed a mistake, that will take at least two three years. Because as stated earlier, hope is the driving
factor and for some more years we have to allocate as testing period, where we check whether corrective action can be taken or not. So finally when we realize that, nothing can be done it will be around 5 -6 years.

That means almost half of our good years are gone. Then again for 3-4 years we spend as a shock period, to recover from the mistake committed.

So almost 10 years gone. So where is the time to live.

Some body has said it, may be Robin Sharma, I dont know, first find out what you really want with your life. But dont they know that to find out what we want, first we have to test it or do some case study. So to do a case study with life, we have to spend some time and the some time can be years. ha..ha

So isn't it better if we have been given with another life time also, where we can rectify things by learning from the mistakes committed in the first stage. And of course earth is such a big thing to explore in one life time, aint it? So what can be better option? Let people do the experiment with their first span of life time. Give them some rest, because they might have suffered a lot with the results of the experiments. Let them reborn with the lessons, enlightment and virtues of the first life. Let people live their life with the fullest with all those knowledge!!!! Isn't it the fair way to live here???

Moronic Conversation

Is it just my imagination or am I actually hearing this conversation. It goes like this; the participants we can call A and B. (A - my sister, B - me)

A: - Do you have any idea what the hell you are doing?
B:- If I had any, then I would not be alive today.. he..he
A:- Stop bluffing and be serious
B:- (making his face in a very serious mode ) OK, tell me what is it that I have done this time.
A:- I am not here to give you a summary of all the bloody stuff you have done..
B:- Oh man relax, why you are using all these beautiful prefixes while you talk to me.. I am soo scared.. ooohh
A:- At some point of time you will regret about the way you are taking your life.
B:- Oh come off it now. I am not a fool not to understand that.
I havent given any words to any body that I will be living till 100 years. As I am not so sure about the span of period I am going to be here, I do not want to cry over unnecessary things.
A:- How mean.
B:- Is it so?
A:- (Too much irritated) Starting to go
B:- Oh come off it man. How you can advice me like this. You know very well the meaninglessness of all these things . Still how can you tell me to waste my life for all these stuff.
A:- You are not a small kid who needs to be to be given an account of good and bad.
B:- When did I ask you to do that?
A:- Oh leave it, there is no point talking to you like this
B:- That is what I am trying to tell you for the last couple of minutes. I am happy that my efforts has shown some result. Ok then buddy. Take care.

A:- Where you are going? I am not done yet.
B:- So you are determined to enlighten me? Give it a break man. Since that day (no idea which day they were talking about :)..), there was not even a single day that you asked how am I? You just keep on advising me on what to do and what not do. Do i ceased to exist or what?
A:- Stop behaving like you are too cool.
B:- I am not behaving like I am too cool and all. I just dont want to waste my life poring over the faults that I have committed from my side. I just cannot stand it. And for your kind info I haven't done any deal in my life that I have to hide from any body. Till this day I haven't done anything that can be defined as wrong in conventional sense. Of course I am mean and arrogant and all those, that I admit.

A:- so what you are going to do now.
B:- Nothing as of now. Let it go the way it is going. I am not going to take any decision on my own. I just do not want to. Just as Fred said, let us take the decision, when we go on. lol.

A:- You should be able to set the priorities in life.
B:- I know I have to.
A:- Then what you are waiting for. Do it now.
B:- I am doing that. I cannot put any guarantee for those things, I myself do not have any guarantee. I just hate it when I have been forced to believe people.
Ok let me make it very clear, I hate me when ever I have to avoid important jobs in order to satisfy the mean and narrow thoughts of people who do not even care about me, those who do not have even the sense to understand in what sort of a turmoil I am. I cannot do compromises to get in to the good books of family members who try to pull rank upon you. I cannot stand the person who keeps popping up again and again like a stupid song stuck in your head and that refuses to go away. I just want to think all is well and good, even if in my mind I know it very well that my world is crashing down. I cannot stand unquestioning authority over me, I will not tolerate people who blame me for their mistakes. Got it?
A:- Again the same stuff itself. Can't you think like a normal kid?
B:- Oh now you are saying that I am not normal also. Ok tell me, then who is normal?
A:- Oh leave it. Just try to understand one thing. There are some systems and you cannot make a fool of others saying all those deals that is valid if we look from our own perspective. We should be able to look from others point of view.
B: - Ok baba. Give me a break now. I have only two ears and I think I had enough for today. The rest we can keep it for tomorrow. Do not exhaust all the advices in a single day itself. Keep it for tomorrow. Lol.

What we think, we become

What we think, we become...
is it true..
Merely thinking and dreaming has never proved worth if we consider situations.. aint it?

Actually this was the 10th or 11th time I am getting the same mail. As the title was different, I opened it. Alas, not the same one again.. Yes, it was that mail again, that creepy mail about the phone will ring once you forward it. As I am not that confidant enough in my luck, normally I forward all those crap mails I get to the crap people in my address book. lol.. I did the same this time also. When we read such a mail in an office, any kid can say that the phone will ring at some point of time in a day.

At the first time when I get it, I was really happy and surprised because the phone actually rang (I dont remember whether my wish came true or not). After that may be because of the busy schedule or may be because of the lack of interest I didnt bothered about the phone factor. The wish factor was still there. Actually I dont remember the wish I made in the first time nor in the subsequent cases. How can I keep track of wishes, as the number of things to keep track in a day is endless and I am unable to manage even the pending once from last day. I have to keep track of whom all I have to call daily personally and professionally, what all promises I have to keep on a day to day basis, for which all bugs I have to follwo up, which all birthdays I have to remember, solve problems that me or some body else has created from last days events and conversations and what not. In between all these struggle, the only thing I can forget is my wishes. So naturally I dont remember.

But this time I was unable to make a wish. Nothing came in my mind, I was like some body who has lost all the hopes and dreams in life. So without making any wish I simply forwarded that mail. Just like every time, this time also I thought that I will not do such mean things again. But I knew it very well that the next time also if I get this mail with some other subject I will forward it. I cannot fight with my fortune at any cost, can I? I may be able to fight with my destiny but not with fortune.

Everyone is gifted - but some people never care to open their package!!

Of course, at some point in our life time we get something or somebody that make our life worth living. And it is such a blessing it will not last longer. But the problem is that, some people never care to comprehend their gift once it is with them. They understand the value only when they know that if it no longer theirs. The realization will only come when the fact dawns that everything has gone out of our hand. :))))

It is actually a common thing whether it is a possession or whether it is some blessed relation ship. We spend our time poring over all those deals that we didn't get. We cry over spilled milk even though we are sure that, it will not change anything.

Even though I was like that once, now I have got rid of that silly trait. Once I was a champion for crying and being gloomy. I considered it was a day wasted without crying or being gloomy at least for 5 minutes.

Now it is some what the other end. Today, even if I know that all my dreams are shattered like glass pieces still I over come that blow when I talk to some body or I just have to read something.

As a common human character some times I may feel down and gloomy about my missed fortune or failed battle. But may be in the evolution process I have some what disposed off that thing.

As it is life and there are always instances where life leaves us completely helpless. There are some moments where god almighty will make us to think about the impuissance of human beings. May be that is the moments where we put some effort and decides to take a look in our meek lives. Then we realize that...

I was dying to get out of my school an started my career,
then I was dying to get married and start my dream life..
after that I was dying to have kids.
then I was dying to see my kids as grown up responsible lads.
then I was dying to retire and settle down in a country side inn.
But suddenly I realized now I don't have any days left in my life to live..

with all these struggles I forgot to live my life...

Even though I know that I may face this day at some point in my life, I just want to make it sure that I will not be forced to regret the way I lived my life. That is the only prayer and demand I am having now. :)